The 6-Year Rant

Ok, I think I need to get one thing straight before I start rambling (I know myself too much to know that this is going to happen). 


For the record, I never once deluded myself that we would have the perfect relationship. I have way too much respect for our faults and weaknesses to not acknowledge them. And I have learned to respect, and to a certain degree, accept that one can never mold others to be the perfect form of their fantasies. And so I have always foreseen that ours would be a relationship riddled with the good, the bad and a healthy dose of inexplicable tolerance for each other's dark side.


I just did not realize that after all the years, I would keep on waiting for the good to outweigh the bad.


Ok, I have to admit that when we started going out, I was an idealistic turd-brain who thought that finally venturing into a serious relationship would be what would complete me. As I have grown tired of the endless and often futile attempts to find someone who can withstand my level of childishness and self-importance, I decided to trade my weekends of drunken stupor and scores of casual sex for what I thought can only be something more comforting and steady.


Boy, was I wrong.


First up, while I dished out nothing but the truth about who I am, you returned the favor by withholding your real name until months into the relationship, and your age about 3 years after our first fuck.And this is despite me assuring you that i do not care much about age difference.


Largely my fault is the fact that I have been turning a blind eye on all the sleeping around that you've done through the years. Although you did succeed in teaching me that I should trust my gut-feel more, you have an uncanny way of turning things around and making me feel stupid about creating the same ghosts that would haunt me.


When I read those flirtatious and sexually-charged messages in both your social network and your mobile, I thought I was brave enough to confront you about them. And yet. I was more stupid to accept your meager excuses and worked harder to make you not want to look for someone else.


When I saw those kinky photos of you and someone tied to the window near your bed, I thought that would be enough to send shockwaves of rude awakening to my now dormant anger genes. Instead I cried. And believed you when you said that those things happened years before we were a couple. And yet I can tell you the exact year you bought the digicam used to shoot those nasty images- 2007. 3 years into our relationship.


Funny though that the thing that would lead me to this brink is your utter ignorance of what I value most in the relationship - you, and creating happy memories with you.


You never had the time for me. There would always be some excuse not to spend a lazy weekend out of town, or to just go somewhere we can spend some quality moments with each other. And when we do get out of the city, the so-called vacation is just a decoy for me to help you out in your business.


But I get it now. I would never be your priority. You have way too many things going on for you that I would perpetually be side-lined to the corners of your attention. Weird that my very competitor (your business), was what I thought as the best way for me to get closer to you. Despite the dreadful demands of my own job, I would find time to assist you in some of your more pressing business needs. Now that I look back, I could easily conk myself unconscious with a fierce blow. Why did you even do it, dimwit!


But I know deep inside that it was my sordid way of inching closer - to make myself more important to you.


I love you. And I know to some degree, you love me too. But you don't love me as much as you love yourself, or your business, or your money, or that addictive thrill it gives you to see your business grow bigger and bigger.


I am not a hypocrite. I know we all live for money. I need dough quite enough to give it the respect that it deserves. That's why I'm working my ass off, too.


I just don't see a happy existence for you and me at the end of all that hard work. I don't see myself in the picture of what your future would be. 


And so now, I bail. I say good bye.


In the hopes that maybe in the next six years of my life, I will grow to find what can make me happy. I would settle for that, for the meantime. I won't look for completion, but just enough to make me smile and say that at the very least, I feel a sense of security and contentment that I will always be in the fold of one's arms. Not an after-thought.

Caffeine Overload

It's one of those days when you have excess adrenaline from way too much caffeine. You'd love go out; but there's nowhere to go and nobody to go out with you. Your friends are too consumed by the dramas of their own existence that you considered dropping them altogether and finding better friends. But that would take too much effort.

You stare at your ashtray and realized you must've smoked a pack in the last hour. For a moment, you feared for your health. Then you convince yourself that we are all slated to die, anyway. You're just taking the semi-express route to the pearly gates (or the alternative).

You could be working on the office assignment that you know your boss will be bugging you about in a few days. But you hate your boss and revel in seeing that vein in her forehead twitch out of anger. You'd risk getting a mouthful of scolding just to witness another one of her incessant tirades because you know your work is valued way too much for you to get fired. Then you think of why you haven't been promoted if you are amazing in what you do.

It's easier to conclude that she is a hateful bitch who is robbing you of the chance to the lifestyle (and salary) you deserve. It's just easier to think of it that way.

You're thinking of fixing the nth mug of coffee just for something relatively productive to do. Then decide that the liquid coursing through your veins has already turned 3/4 caffeine and fear that it would disqualify you from donating blood to Red Cross. You settle for a chocolate bar instead. Same difference.

In a few more hours, you have to be up and about as you start another work day. The mere thought just makes it harder for you to get some sleep. 

So you decided to start off your own blog. At least now, you have a medium to fascinate the hordes of fans who are dying to revel in your thoughts. Then you realize that nobody even knows that you've started this goddamned thing in the first place.

Oh well.